~~~ Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts ~~~

1. Any resemblence between Dementors and Bin Laden is coincidental.

2. It is a bad idea to slip Professor Snape a powerful love potion.

3. Growing marijuana or cannabis plants is not an extra credit project for Herbology.

4. I should refrain from putting on Death Eater robes, a Death Eater mask and suchlike and go up to Professor Snape, and say, "Dude! Voldemort wants to kill you, he's found out!"

5. I am not allowed to lock Gryffindors and Slytherins in the Room of Requirement and see who comes out alive and who looks like theyve had a right shag.

6. Professor Flitwick's first name is NOT Dobby, no matter how short he is!

7. "OMFG!" is not a spell.

8. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as 'My Goggly Goo-Goo!" or "McGonalds! McGonalds!"

9. I will not arrange an Aurors meeting in Malfoy Manor OR Nettos!

10. I will not begin Care of Magical Creatures class by singing, 'Can you dance the hippogriff' by the Hobgoblins in a bold voice, imitating Professor Hagrid!

11. In the Christmas holidays, I will not slip Professor Dumbledore a strong sleeping potion and dress him up as Santa, and put him on a sleigh in the Great Hall for the first years!

12. Tony Blair is NOT working for Lord Voldemort, and I should stop insuiating that he is just because everyone hates him!

13. There is not a fifth house at Hogwarts named Marauders' Piss-Ups, and I am not the founder.

14. Under no condition am I allowed to get Loreal shampoo from a Muggle store and send it to Professor Snape by Muggle post, with a note saying, "Severus, you need to wash your hair! From Lily."

15. It is not funny to constantly joke about Professor Lupin's 'time of the month'.

16. Even though he looks like him a great deal, Lord Voldemort's real identity is NOT Master Yoda!

17.  Professor Snape is not the Megatron!

18. I do not have a Pikachu patronus, no matter how awesome that might be!

19. I am allowed a cat, an owl, a rat or a frog. I am not allowed a poisonous cobra with a bold Scottish accent, a rare orange bat that looks a lot like Molly Weasley, nor am I allowed to use Draco Malfoy as a pet and protest that he is a 'large blonde polar bear'!

20. Stealing Harry Potter's stuff and selling it to desperate fan girls on eBay is not allowed (Note to self: steal Draco Malfoy's stuff instead).

21. Screaming "VOLDEMORT!!“  in crowded hallways is not in good taste.

22. I will not wear my 'Death Eater and PROUD!' t-shirt in school, no matter how kick-ass it is and how much it cost.

23. A good way to piss Parvati Patil off - go to the Divination class and write: 'Parvati Patil was here!' on all of the crystal balls, hopefully banning her from Divination!

24. I am not allowed to spread rumors that I heard 'loud banging', 'bed creaking' and Mrs Norris and Argus Filch's screaming voices last night, nor am I allowed to insuiate that they have a romantic relationship!

25.  I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes bright pink with a rose pattern!

26. I will stop charming Professor Snape's hair to match Nymphadora Tonks' hair.

27. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

28. I am not allowed to yell "Furball!“ every time second-year Hermione coughs.

29. I will NEVER put Fred, George, Peeves and the Marauders in one room just to see what happens.

30. I am not allowed to tell anyone that Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory had 'a thing going'!

31. It is incredibly rude to recommend The Burrow (the Weasley's house) to 60 Minute Makeover.

32. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

33.  I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes professor.

34. I am never allowed to say, "Oh, Mouldy Voldy, stop being such a freak, will you?!" to Voldemort, because it is not effective and I will probably get myself murdered.

35. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

36. I am not allowed to transfigure my wand into a light saber and ask for a duel with Sir Cadogan.

37. 'To conquer the world with a huge army of purple flying polar bears' is not an appropriate career choice.

38. I will not tell the first-years that Professor Snape is really God in disguise, and I am Jesus.

39. I am not allowed to go to a Muggle tattoo shop, give them a photo of the Dark Mark and ask to have it done on my left arm.

40. And finally: under no conditions, in any occasion or circumstance am i allowed to ever (ever eveeerr EVERR!) try to be funny while in Hogwarts.